Adventures in Costco, and What I Found There.

Inspired by the single most delightful article I read this week, which features photos of Joe Biden at Costco buying pie and children's books, I thought I'd share my own most recent Costco adventure.

Full disclosure: the events depicted below did take place on Black Friday, but I'd like to defend the apparent contradiction of how I am theoretically opposed to, yet participated in the excesses of the most appalling consumerist free-for-all in American history (at least until the day after next Thanksgiving, which will be the worst until the year after, and so on for the foreseeable future).
1. I'm a college student, and only being home for four full days on break limits the times when I can make purchases I intended to make anyway, implausibly high percentage-off discounts or not.
2. I put my foot down on shopping on the Thursday night of Thanksgiving itself. Workers being forced away from personal celebration on a national holiday of gratitude so they can work mandatory shifts for faceless corporations threatening termination from their sub-living wage employment makes me angrier and wordier than any other recent incarnation of capitalist greed. I'm looking at you, Walmart, and I'm giving you the evil eye.
3. I shopped at a leisurely pace at a normal-people hour, like when there was daylight shining and everything. I returned anything I picked up and didn't buy to its proper shelf/bin/rack/table. I tried to be polite.
4. COSTCO, YOU GUYS. Costco always, Costco forever. (Have you seen the "Good Guy Costco CEO" meme yet? If not, check it out.)

Anyway, I love Costco and you should too and here's why:

 Yes, that is a plush dog larger than my nineteen-year-old brother's entire upper body. Yes, I want it. Christmas is coming up, friends...

 On the flip side of stuffed animals, here is a less-than-life-size pony that is still large enough for most children to comfortably sit astride in their sunshine-yellow playroom with their model train sets, oversize custom-built dollhouse, and handcrafted wooden block sets imported from Switzerland. I didn't check the price tag, but I assume it was extravagant, even for Costco.

 When I said these ponies were large enough for most children, I meant my feet don't touch the ground. :(

 The hero Costco deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

 More oversized plush. More things I want.

 All seven Harry Potter books in pristine, uncracked-spine, unwrinkled-pages, as-yet-unloved condition could be yours for only $47.99. I have them all, but...they don't come all matchy-matchy in a gift box like this.

 This is TOO MANY VEGGIE STRAWS, people. By that, I mean buy these and invite me over to hang out and I'll help you eat them.

  Is that chip illustration to scale? Because, if so...awesome/terrifying. (It's not.)

Costco, purveyor of fine stuffed toys that will suffocate your child if they become trapped beneath them without a well-muscled adult chaperone to save them. Maybe that's what Batman's for?

There were 24 cookies in that container. Four days later, there were 0.