Cake close-ups.

Yesterday was my brother's 20th (!) birthday. I did not make him a cake, because no amateur birthday cake I could manage to whip up would ever live up to a) boxed yellow cake mix or b) store-bought ice cream cake with those little chocolate crunchies, you know what I'm talking about. These are just facts of life.

Instead, I bought an ice cream cake with chocolate crunchies (duh). We watched Eddie Izzard's "Cake or Death?" sketch, and he had three slices (slabs?) of ice cream cake. Then, for completely unrelated reasons, I baked a loaf of bread and three different cakes. Here they are!

Sally Lunn bread, as seen from above:

Uhhh this is not fluorescent in real life. I don't know what happened here.

Deb Perlman of Smitten Kitchen is my #1 culinary role model. She posted this recipe, and I followed along without changing a single thing, which is unheard of. I trust her that much. She recommended pairing this slightly sweet, brioche-like bread with honey brown butter, and a warm slice of this spread with that is reason enough to believe in a higher power.

I swear, you could slather that all over a used sock and I'd have to think long and hard about how inadvisable it would be to lick it off. I tried to take a quick picture of my test slice, with the honey butter on it gleaming brighter than sunshine, but I ate it in about eight bites instead. (That doesn't sound that impressive, but I have a small mouth, so take my word for it.)

This is another Smitten Kitchen favorite:

This strawberry buttermilk cake delivers the biggest payoff for the least effort of any recipe I know. The original, which uses raspberries, is my personal favorite take on it, but the strawberries in the fridge were about three minutes away from spontaneously exploding into fuzzy mold, so in they went. The second cake was the same, but with semi-sweet chocolate chips, in case of any weirdos who wouldn't want the fruity, delicious first option. I didn't take a picture of that one because all the chips sank, leaving a perfectly smooth, perfectly dull surface with the chocolate lurking beneath. Surprise for whoever cuts the first slice!

I've been trying to find a suitable coffee cake recipe: the kind of coffee cake that contains no coffee but plenty of cinnamon, topped generously but not indecently with sugary streusel. It's harder than it sounds. I thought I'd managed it this time, but instead of beautiful brown sugar crumbles, I got this craggy alien landscape:

You know what, though? It's delicious. It's a keeper. Don't judge a cake by its nooks and crannies.

I wrapped everything up in foil and labeled it:

So don't anyone ever tell me that you can't "win" at church coffee-hour. I'm pretty sure I just did.

Long walks on the beach sense of humor chocolate friends.

I'm a pretty hip, with-it Millenial (with limited job prospects and cynicism disproportional to my age and advantages), but I still don't get online dating. Real-life dating is already such a bizarre, foreign concept to me, and I worry enough about my 160-character Twitter bio to even imagine what hell it would be like to pitch myself to potential cute strangers in a few paragraphs. Coupled with what I've just realized is my new status as a "professional writer" (in that I occasionally receive payment for verbal services rendered; not to be confused with being a particularly good writer) and the additional pressure to be witty and articulate that comes with that, I would rather perform a root canal on myself than write an online dating profile.

This knit cactus understands online better than I do.

Luckily, I don't have to figure out how to use SEO tactics to maximize traffic to my OKCupid/eHarmony/UniformDating.com ("for singles in uniform and those who like them!") profile. For one, I'm un-single at the moment, with no plans to change my Facebook relationship status anytime in the future. For another, there's a way to cheat now: this random text generator that pulls keywords from actual dating profiles to cobble together whole paragraphs of phrases like "playing my guitar Woody Allen dogs everything but country music." It's like Frankenstein's Monster all over again, except with dating clichés. It's amazing. Here's what I got:

Exploring the city I'm pretty laid-back playing my guitar Woody Allen. Going to shows hiking art school outdoorsy the simple things in life, foreign films self-deprecating humor Indian food coffee really hoppy beers. Tattoos feminism Oxford comma outdoor activities fitness local sports teams. 

My cats honest and direct happy hour making people laugh. I hate lists new friends having a few beers outdoor activities Vampire Weekend, Netflix The Daily Show grilling honest and direct my beard. Amazing women I've met feminism I enjoy fascinates me I don't really like talking about myself glass half-full.

 It's fascinating and a little disheartening how relevant that is to my tastes and interests. I'm passionate about feminism, the Oxford comma, Netflix, and The Daily Show, I really am; it's just that the entire online dating community seems to be as well. Then again, the random text is more inaccurate than it is accurate, and it's only thanks to the Barnum effect that I think it's so spot-on. Like horoscopes, another form of basically randomly generated text (sorry, astrology-believers, but not really that sorry), the fake dating profile is broad and vague enough that I and everyone else are all willing to claim that it sounds just like us. So much for individualism, and best of luck to anyone trying to sound unique and special to prospective hotties online.

But seriously, try this thing out. Who wouldn't want to date someone who's into outdoor activities tattoos Doctor Who strong and confident? No pressure, they're only looking to have some fun not too complicated joking around glass half-full honest and direct. You could grab coffee or a drink bikes fixing up my house hiking together! Let me know how the date goes.

[Shout-out to The Hairpin for inspiration!]

Teach me how to British.

I've officially accepted my offer to begin my postgraduate life at the University of York this fall, hurray! I'll be spending the next year studying for an MA in Modern and Contemporary Literature and Culture, and hopefully applying to continue on to a PhD immediately after. As it turns out, my Scottish rejection was something of an anomaly; all eight English universities to which I applied offered me a place, and I'm thrilled that I was able to say yes to York.

Orientation starts September 28, and until then, the remainder of my summer is a series of waiting periods: for my student aid information to arrive, for my loan application to make it across the ocean by snail mail, for York's financial support office to approve it, for the UK Border Agency to issue my visa, for the plane to touch down in Manchester, and for the line at Immigration before they stamp my passport and officially let me into the country. Naturally, I've already begun exhaustive research on both the city and the university (there are so many grocery stores! there's a chocolate tour!), and I've found the university-provided International Student Handbook particularly helpful in teaching me the nuances of British life.

"Look at how diverse we are!" screams the handbook's cover page, desperately.

On humour-with-a-u:

"The British sense of humour can be difficult to understand and often involves the use of irony. For further information on irony and how it is used, please see the following article in The Guardian newspaper: www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2003/jun/28/weekend7.weekend2." 

That link leads to an article that includes the following passage:
"There are a few reasons why we think the Americans have no sense of irony. First, theirs is rather an optimistic culture, full of love of country and dewy-eyed self-belief and all the things that Europe's lost going through the war spindryer for the thousandth time. This is all faith-based - faith in God, faith in the goodness of humanity, etc - and irony can never coexist with faith, since the mere act of questioning causes the faith fairy to disappear."

You'll never take away my dewy-eyed self-belief!

On minding your p's and q's:

"British people may seem rather reserved and distant. This is not because they are being deliberately unfriendly; often they are trying not to invade your privacy. 

 British people may not seem to be very direct. This is because they don’t wish to be impolite so may not say what they really think.   

British people are very aware of their ‘personal space’ and do not like it if you get too close to them, for instance when holding a conversation.

It is considered important and respectful to say please, thank you and sorry."

Ugh, chill out, United Kingdom. This is why people think you're uptight. Please AND sorry? Get over yourselves.

On ladies wearing breeches and men wearing bonnets:

"Gender roles may seem different and confusing to you."

I was under the impression that I was dating a nice young Englishman, but maybe I was wrong about the -man part? Oh, no.

On sucking face in the street:

"It is quite acceptable to see couples, including same sex couples, kissing and holding hands in public."

What kind of ungodly, immoral country am I going to where people think it's okay to hold hands in public? Get a room, Brits!

On xenophobia:

"Britain is generally a very tolerant country and known for liberal attitudes towards people of other nationalities who choose to live in the UK."

Hot damn, I can't wait to be tolerated.

On avoiding deportation or jail:

"The laws in the UK may be very different to those in your home country. Please be aware that the following are illegal: Carrying or using any illegal drugs including cannabis, ecstasy, LSD or amphetamines."

Illegal drugs are illegal. Got it.

On getting crunk:

"People in the UK are allowed by law to buy alcohol when they are 18 years old. As this coincides with many UK students going to University, you may see some UK students drinking to excess as it is a new experience for them.

Some British people focus a large part of their social life around alcohol and this may seem quite strange to you. There will be UK and international students who do not like to drink alcohol at all or who choose to drink in moderation. You should not feel pressured to drink alcohol if you do not want to. Drinking too much alcohol can be dangerous."

Translation: no matter what country you're in, freshmen remain the same.

On the need for Pepto-Bismol:

"It is also common for new international students to experience upset stomachs following arrival. This is usually due to the body adjusting to different food and water and it does not mean you are allergic to all UK foods." 

This un-American water is making me ill.