Hey, four-eyes.

The time has come, myopia said, to talk of many things: of frames and lenses and nearsightedness, of how tiny my face is and how nearly blind I am.

First impressions?

It's been a few years since the last time I had an eye exam, and in the meantime, I've grown increasingly worse at seeing anything further than three inches from my face in focus. I dread needing new glasses, not only because it reminds me of my imperfect human body, but also because I cherish familiarity and fear change. My glasses are, in a sense, my most prized possession: if asked, I wouldn't think to put them on the list of things I'd rescue from a burning building -- because they'd already be on my face. Otherwise, I'd probably die in the fire.

The last time I needed new glasses, I panicked when it came time to choose the frames. I had narrowed down my options to a handful of nearly identical thick, black, rectangular frames when the saleswoman negged me, suggesting a $100+ pair of designer frames that she said, "look like the ones you have now, but more...feminine." I was so offended that I bought them immediately. What a chump.

This time, I'm trying to avoid succumbing to my usual paralyzing fear response when required to make an important decision in a limited period of time with both money and personal vanity on the line, so I decided to go the Warby Parker route. Despite knowing that any successful new brand's popularity is at least 60% due to savvy marketing, I can still be genuinely impressed with Warby Parker's 1) flat pricing (nearly every pair of glasses costs $95, including prescription lenses), 2) generous but not overwhelming selection of frames, and 3) free home try-on program, which allows me to choose five possible frames from their website and have them shipped to my front door. Also, all of their models look really cool, but like they're not trying to look cool, and I'm into that. I'm Warby Parker's target audience. They got me.

My five frames arrived today, surprisingly quickly (although don't ask how long it took me to narrow my choices down to five). As a packaging aficionado, I appreciated the box they came in: simple black with a white Warby Parker logo on the side, which unfolded to reveal a plastic tray with each of the test frames individually wrapped in its own labeled plastic bag and a free return shipping label for the end of my trial week. But first, my current glasses, for reference:

My cousins and I once showed up to a family event wearing matching glasses...all four of us.

I like these, although I could do without the Coach logo emblazoned across the arms, misleading anyone who views me in profile into thinking that I'm much fancier than I am. They also tend to slip down my nose a little bit and tip sideways, as a result of -- and I'm just now coming to terms with this -- my crooked ears. So, slightly larger, squarer frames would fix that, right?

Nash in Crystal

 These would be great if I were a super hip lady scientist, but I don't know how well they suit my actual life. They look kinda like lab goggles.

Wilkie in Whiskey Tortoise

 Now you see what I mean about my crooked ears.

Oliver in Whiskey Tortoise

These look almost identical to the previous design, so much so that I'm not positive I've labeled the two correctly. Compared side by side, one is slightly wider and the other is slightly taller, but it's hard to tell in these pictures. I don't mind these, and although I went with tortoiseshell as a way of breaking out of my boring black frames rut, I actually like the way they complement my poorly maintained ombré hair.

Cass in Blue Slate Fade

 I love these...but yes, I realize they take up an entire third of my face. The blue is nice, though: more color than I've worn since my very first pair of pink plastic frames in kindergarten (terrible eyesight runs in the family), but subtle enough that I wouldn't be concerned about not matching any of my clothes...most of which are black anyway.

Chamberlain in Whiskey Tortoise

THESE ARE HUGE AND I LOVE THEM. It's just that I think it's already obvious what a giant nerd I am without having the glasses to confirm it, you know?

So, it turns out five frames is either still too many choices, or not enough. Help.