Long walks on the beach sense of humor chocolate friends.

I'm a pretty hip, with-it Millenial (with limited job prospects and cynicism disproportional to my age and advantages), but I still don't get online dating. Real-life dating is already such a bizarre, foreign concept to me, and I worry enough about my 160-character Twitter bio to even imagine what hell it would be like to pitch myself to potential cute strangers in a few paragraphs. Coupled with what I've just realized is my new status as a "professional writer" (in that I occasionally receive payment for verbal services rendered; not to be confused with being a particularly good writer) and the additional pressure to be witty and articulate that comes with that, I would rather perform a root canal on myself than write an online dating profile.

This knit cactus understands online better than I do.

Luckily, I don't have to figure out how to use SEO tactics to maximize traffic to my OKCupid/eHarmony/UniformDating.com ("for singles in uniform and those who like them!") profile. For one, I'm un-single at the moment, with no plans to change my Facebook relationship status anytime in the future. For another, there's a way to cheat now: this random text generator that pulls keywords from actual dating profiles to cobble together whole paragraphs of phrases like "playing my guitar Woody Allen dogs everything but country music." It's like Frankenstein's Monster all over again, except with dating clichés. It's amazing. Here's what I got:

Exploring the city I'm pretty laid-back playing my guitar Woody Allen. Going to shows hiking art school outdoorsy the simple things in life, foreign films self-deprecating humor Indian food coffee really hoppy beers. Tattoos feminism Oxford comma outdoor activities fitness local sports teams. 

My cats honest and direct happy hour making people laugh. I hate lists new friends having a few beers outdoor activities Vampire Weekend, Netflix The Daily Show grilling honest and direct my beard. Amazing women I've met feminism I enjoy fascinates me I don't really like talking about myself glass half-full.

 It's fascinating and a little disheartening how relevant that is to my tastes and interests. I'm passionate about feminism, the Oxford comma, Netflix, and The Daily Show, I really am; it's just that the entire online dating community seems to be as well. Then again, the random text is more inaccurate than it is accurate, and it's only thanks to the Barnum effect that I think it's so spot-on. Like horoscopes, another form of basically randomly generated text (sorry, astrology-believers, but not really that sorry), the fake dating profile is broad and vague enough that I and everyone else are all willing to claim that it sounds just like us. So much for individualism, and best of luck to anyone trying to sound unique and special to prospective hotties online.

But seriously, try this thing out. Who wouldn't want to date someone who's into outdoor activities tattoos Doctor Who strong and confident? No pressure, they're only looking to have some fun not too complicated joking around glass half-full honest and direct. You could grab coffee or a drink bikes fixing up my house hiking together! Let me know how the date goes.

[Shout-out to The Hairpin for inspiration!]