Teach me how to British.

I've officially accepted my offer to begin my postgraduate life at the University of York this fall, hurray! I'll be spending the next year studying for an MA in Modern and Contemporary Literature and Culture, and hopefully applying to continue on to a PhD immediately after. As it turns out, my Scottish rejection was something of an anomaly; all eight English universities to which I applied offered me a place, and I'm thrilled that I was able to say yes to York.

Orientation starts September 28, and until then, the remainder of my summer is a series of waiting periods: for my student aid information to arrive, for my loan application to make it across the ocean by snail mail, for York's financial support office to approve it, for the UK Border Agency to issue my visa, for the plane to touch down in Manchester, and for the line at Immigration before they stamp my passport and officially let me into the country. Naturally, I've already begun exhaustive research on both the city and the university (there are so many grocery stores! there's a chocolate tour!), and I've found the university-provided International Student Handbook particularly helpful in teaching me the nuances of British life.

"Look at how diverse we are!" screams the handbook's cover page, desperately.

On humour-with-a-u:

"The British sense of humour can be difficult to understand and often involves the use of irony. For further information on irony and how it is used, please see the following article in The Guardian newspaper: www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2003/jun/28/weekend7.weekend2." 

That link leads to an article that includes the following passage:
"There are a few reasons why we think the Americans have no sense of irony. First, theirs is rather an optimistic culture, full of love of country and dewy-eyed self-belief and all the things that Europe's lost going through the war spindryer for the thousandth time. This is all faith-based - faith in God, faith in the goodness of humanity, etc - and irony can never coexist with faith, since the mere act of questioning causes the faith fairy to disappear."

You'll never take away my dewy-eyed self-belief!

On minding your p's and q's:

"British people may seem rather reserved and distant. This is not because they are being deliberately unfriendly; often they are trying not to invade your privacy. 

 British people may not seem to be very direct. This is because they don’t wish to be impolite so may not say what they really think.   

British people are very aware of their ‘personal space’ and do not like it if you get too close to them, for instance when holding a conversation.

It is considered important and respectful to say please, thank you and sorry."

Ugh, chill out, United Kingdom. This is why people think you're uptight. Please AND sorry? Get over yourselves.

On ladies wearing breeches and men wearing bonnets:

"Gender roles may seem different and confusing to you."

I was under the impression that I was dating a nice young Englishman, but maybe I was wrong about the -man part? Oh, no.

On sucking face in the street:

"It is quite acceptable to see couples, including same sex couples, kissing and holding hands in public."

What kind of ungodly, immoral country am I going to where people think it's okay to hold hands in public? Get a room, Brits!

On xenophobia:

"Britain is generally a very tolerant country and known for liberal attitudes towards people of other nationalities who choose to live in the UK."

Hot damn, I can't wait to be tolerated.

On avoiding deportation or jail:

"The laws in the UK may be very different to those in your home country. Please be aware that the following are illegal: Carrying or using any illegal drugs including cannabis, ecstasy, LSD or amphetamines."

Illegal drugs are illegal. Got it.

On getting crunk:

"People in the UK are allowed by law to buy alcohol when they are 18 years old. As this coincides with many UK students going to University, you may see some UK students drinking to excess as it is a new experience for them.

Some British people focus a large part of their social life around alcohol and this may seem quite strange to you. There will be UK and international students who do not like to drink alcohol at all or who choose to drink in moderation. You should not feel pressured to drink alcohol if you do not want to. Drinking too much alcohol can be dangerous."

Translation: no matter what country you're in, freshmen remain the same.

On the need for Pepto-Bismol:

"It is also common for new international students to experience upset stomachs following arrival. This is usually due to the body adjusting to different food and water and it does not mean you are allergic to all UK foods." 

This un-American water is making me ill.