Joan Rivers, and not settling for women who are "good enough."

I understand the injunction not to speak ill of the dead, I do. Death doesn't occur in isolation, and the loss of a loved one leaves friends and family in mourning. In the case of a fondly remembered public figure, such as the recently passed Robin Williams, the number of those left grieving expands beyond an immediate circle of acquaintances to people who felt they nearly knew the deceased, and whose emotional lives are affected accordingly. Not speaking ill of the dead, in most instances, is a reminder not to let petty quarrels disrupt mourners in fragile states, to whom some small debt or slight pales in comparison to the enormity of their sadness. If a co-worker dies of cancer, it's in decidedly poor taste to remark that at least they won't be stealing your sandwiches from the fridge in the break room anymore; that much restraint, I don't think, is too much to ask.

To preempt accusations that I'm dancing on Joan Rivers's grave even before it's been dug, I'll say this: I'm not happy that a woman who loved and was loved is gone, but I'm not sad that a celebrity who built her fame by throwing marginalized people under the bus in the name of comedy can no longer continue to do so. In this case, exhortations not to "speak ill" of the dead have the potential to silence those who might speak up amidst the wave of hagiographic tributes to remind Rivers's admirers of the poison she injected into the entertainment industry; in this case, shushing Joan Rivers detractors for the sake of not speaking ill of the dead speaks of a willfulness to brush her significant wrongdoings under a rug indefinitely, for the sake of painting as a saint a woman who was anything but. Prioritizing a narrative of Joan Rivers as pioneering female comedian over Joan Rivers as unapologetic, harsh-tongued critic of other women, minorities, the LGBTQ population, et cetera (and there's a lot of et cetera there) means posthumously forgiving her for a lifetime of cruelty masquerading as humor. Some people aren't ready to do that, and I don't blame them.

Time Magazine was quick to hit the hyperbole button with their coverage of Rivers's death, calling her a "groundbreaking feminist icon." Personally, I read those words and heard a loud record scratching noise, hoping that Time Magazine now publishes satirical news pieces; unfortunately, not so. Someone's rebuttal was that Joan Rivers is a woman of historical significance in the same way Margaret Thatcher was: the first of her kind, but not the best and, arguably, one of the worst. The trend towards labeling all influential women "feminists" is one that increasingly worries me, not because I feel the need to jealously guard the label as an honorific to be earned, but because lumping together the likes of Margaret Thatcher with Michelle Obama and Joan Rivers with Amy Poehler, Jessica Williams, and Mindy Kaling demeans the very notion of women rising to the top by virtue of talent rather than gender. The word "groundbreaking" is fair enough to ascribe to Thatcher and Rivers, as they were certainly the first women to make significant inroads in Western politics and mainstream comedy, but being female and being a "feminist icon" are not at all one and the same. To heap too much praise upon Joan Rivers for being the "first female comedian" doesn't only serve to state that she did it, but implies that she was the only one who could have done it -- that had she not made her culturally altering appearance on the comedy scene, no other woman could have. That's an insult to all women. Rivers was the first, but she didn't necessarily have to be; she simply happened to be, albeit through hard work and determination, but also through a coincidence of timing.

Moreover, Rivers herself disclaimed the title of feminist, and at least in doing so, her actions aligned with her words. A quick search on any form of social media right now will net a wealth of Joan Rivers "jokes" of the variety that people found funny and of the variety people found offensive; most of the time, they overlapped. Just a very limited sampling of such instances:

• Used the occasion of Adele's Oscar win for "Skyfall" to make a fat joke about her statuette wearing Spanx
• Took a posthumous shot at Amy Winehouse, two years after her death by alcohol intoxication, by remarking that it was "the longest she ever went without a drink"
• Called Kim Kardashian's baby, a mixed-race six-month-old child, "ugly" and "desperately in need of a waxing"
• Thought it appropriate to respond to Rihanna's confession that she still loved Chris Brown, who brutally beat her within the context of their relationship, with the words, "Idiot! Now it's MY turn to slap her!" She later followed up with faux concern, telling Rihanna that if he hit her once, he was likely to hit her again -- as if Rihanna needed Joan Rivers to tell her that.
• Compared staying in her daughter's Malibu guest bedroom to the plight of the three women (Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight) Ariel Castro kidnapped and locked in his basement for ten years, and followed it up with, "There is nothing to apologize for. I made a joke. That's what I do" -- as if making jokes were an action entirely without consequence.
• Supported fellow offensive person, Alec Baldwin, by letting loose a string of slurs: "Everybody just relax. Everybody’s either a w*p, a n###a, a k!ke, a ch%nk, a f@iry, a m$ck — everybody’s something so why don’t we all just. Calm. Down." She then helpfully clarified that this applies especially to "the Indians — both dot and feather!"
• Used the n-word liberally, then railed against how "PC" the world is for censoring/censuring her.
• Insulted Gwyneth Paltrow's appearance while making a Helen Keller joke -- an impressive two-in-one feat, really.
• Demeaned Palestinians on multiple occasions, claiming they "deserve to be dead," calling those who didn't "get out" when told to get out (reminder that it's just about impossible for Palestinians to leave Gaza!) "idiots," and rejoicing that "at least the ones that were killed were the ones with low IQs." She blamed the election of Hamas on a population of "very stupid people that don't even own a pencil." She never apologized.

These are not frivolous complaints. To stopper up criticism of words that hurt people -- because no, jokes are never just jokes when one person is laughing and another is crying -- is to reinforce a hierarchy in which rich, famous, white women like Joan Rivers get to enjoy indemnity for causing genuine distress to the very people who most need laughter to heal them. Joan Rivers's family and friends will not be swayed in their sadness by online commentary on their mother's/cousin's/friend's despicable treatment of others, but the people who were the butt of her jokes will have their pain compounded by a flood of those who say their pain matters less than one mean old woman's mocking laughter. I'm not thrilled that Joan Rivers is dead, but I look forward to the day when her cruel legacy joins her in the grave.

Listen, fellow feminists: we don't have to settle for women like Joan Rivers as our icons, no matter what Time Magazine tells us. She was a woman, and she did great things (in magnitude, if not in beneficence), but we need to set higher standards for ourselves than that. There are so many great women in this world who uplift their fellow women, who understand the intersectionality of oppression and the value of empathy, who use their platforms -- whether in politics, the arts, science, fashion, media, entertainment -- to do more good than harm. It should surprise no one that some of these women can even be funny! And that's the kicker here: we don't have to settle for the Joan Riverses of the world, who are female without being feminist. We can make it known that women who are funny, but for whom "problematic" is an understatement, aren't good enough anymore, because there are better women out there. Let's raise the bar.