(Sorry not sorry for the title.)
There's not much point in writing out all the reasons I was disappointed in Pitch Perfect, a movie that came out two years ago and has been widely loved ever since by every single human being I know. In fact, I'm probably setting myself up for some half-hearted argument over the merits of a movie that, overall, I enjoyed and would readily watch again, but was simply let down by this first time.
There's no need to pity me for having gone so long without seeing Pitch Perfect. While everyone was learning the clapping routine to accompany "The Cup Song/When I'm Gone" (which I already knew and helped teach to a group for a student leadership conference talent show, no big deal), I was compiling YouTube playlists of college a capella group covers of songs whose original recordings I didn't even particularly like until I understood their true majesty in translation. I was listening to Straight No Chaser's two Christmas albums on repeat. I was watching old episodes of The Sing-Off and lamenting that the SoCal Vocals didn't make it farther in the competition than they did. I was auditioning for a fledgling women's a capella group on campus with my take on Death Cab for Cutie's "I Will Follow You Into the Dark," and although they passed on me, they also, to my knowledge, only ever had a handful of unimpressive rehearsals and never performed once before fizzling out. I sometimes tweeted links to particularly impressive a capella videos back and forth with a friend using the hashtag #acapellapals. What I'm saying is I didn't need a blockbuster movie to teach me the gospel of a capella.
The vocal performances in Pitch Perfect were catchy and exhilarating in the way Glee's best musical numbers were, or at least how I remember them being before I stopped watching the show, embarrassed on its behalf for the caricature it eventually became. I think I felt my soul flutter during the "riff-off" scene, and Anna Kendrick's voice is pretty but powerful in a way that my church choir voice only wishes it could be. As for Jesse's singing, suffice it to say that watching the movie with my best friend induced a lot of "oh my god i love him so much" commentary. And Benji's stage debut! What a scene-stealer. What a heartbreaker. Well done with all that, Pitch Perfect. I have to wonder, though, if any other a capella fans felt a little deflated at how crisp and obviously studio-recorded all the songs sounded: watching the Treblemakers's mouths move on stage in an auditorium seating hundreds while listening to polished, professional, soundtrack-ready recordings was an experience as painful to me as watching music videos of '90s pop stars who never quite got the hang of lip-syncing. A capella is so dynamic largely because of the spaces it takes place in: acoustics matter, and the sound of singing to a crowd and the sound of singing in a recording booth are totally, distractingly different.
Back to Jesse, though: he was kind of the Paul Rudd character, right? Cute but not super hot, confident but thoughtful and sweet and a major dork. I sarcastically guessed that he was going to be the love interest from the minute he appeared on screen, and the best friend sarcastically shot back, "How did you figure that one out?" Which is a good question, actually, because that first interaction between Jesse and Becca made no sense: he's in the backseat of a car, presumably his parents', acting like a massive goofball and that's all it takes for standoffish alterna-girl Becca to decide he's a keeper? And what, did he just pick the first pretty girl on campus to sing to and happen to get lucky by actually being into her personality? And then they turn out to be the two radio station interns on the entire campus, despite Jesse having no established musical inclinations prior to calling a capella groups "organized nerd singing." I dunnoooo.
Speaking of Jesse's interests, he's into film, okay. But what is he studying? What is Becca studying? What are any of them in college for? Is the quad so crowded with students sitting on the grass because all of them are cutting class all the time to do stuff like drink juice pouches with their not-boyfriends? I've never seen a less convincing college setting in any movie, and I'm counting videos people filmed on their point-and-shoot cameras for a class project. Becca's dad may teach Comparative Literature, but those tweed jackets were way too warm for that weather, which reminds me: the passing of time?? It was move-in day, the Bellas practiced two hours a day for seven days a week, they wore jackets outside at night in one scene, then it was time for spring break. I don't think I passed out for part of the movie, but the chronology makes as much sense as if I had.
Becca's mom isn't dead, just divorced and elsewhere? Estranged? By whose choice? Of course she hates the stepmonster; that's a given, even if not a single detail is given about what makes her dad's second wife so abhorrent besides the fact that Becca's still emotionally 11 years old. That was a pretty weak way to justify her tendency to "push away people who care about you" or whatever Jesse chastised her for, especially because as far as I could tell, she definitely did not push him away when they were watching the end of The Breakfast Club on her couch in the dark. I don't blame him for getting fed up with her constantly pulling that nonsense about him not being her boyfriend, but he was definitely her boyfriend and maybe they should have come to some kind of agreement about that. It's possible to be too respectful of someone's space, Jesse.
What the hell is Aubrey's deal? Her dad is a military guy and she definitely votes Republican, but did we ever get a suitable explanation for her ability to projectile vomit by sheer force of will? Who died the previous year and made her Barden Bellas queen, especially over Chloe, who is generally much more chill and likely to be voted into a position of leadership? More importantly, why is she the lead soloist when she sounds...the way she sounds? There's no way in hell the Bellas would have made it past Regionals with their dead-eyed 1950s airline stewardess routine, let alone all the way to the International Championship of Collegiate A Capella at Lincoln Center, no matter how pretty they all looked in their Stepford Wives uniforms. Nothing in the world can cause me to suspend my disbelief to that extent.
I did love all the other characters -- to the extent that I knew anything whatsoever about them, including their names. Stacie who has a lot of sex, Lilly who was harboring sick beatboxing skills the whole time, Cynthia Rose with the gambling problem, and of course Fat Amy/Patricia: they were all so lovable, but so limited. Sexy Stacie couldn't even sing during auditions, but suddenly she's facing off against Donald at the riff-off and holding it down, the same way Lilly's speaking voice rose to an audible level at the last minute for no discernible reason other than that the plot called for it. Cynthia Rose was a lesbian, which was funny because...? Someone please fill in that blank for me, because I honestly must have missed the punchline. The only thing wrong with Fat Amy was that there wasn't enough Fat Amy.
Let's not talk about the vomit, except to agree that the movie could've done without it and it's best to pretend it never happened.
The choreography was super weird.
Wasn't it convenient that the one guy from the second-place a capella group at Regionals was a high school ringer, and that Benji noticed the tote bag and connected the dots and reported it and that the officials personally followed up with an investigation, then disqualified the entire group, leaving a spot open for the Bellas to compete?
Wasn't it lucky that the loss of Chloe's "nodes" only led to the loss of her vocal range above a G-sharp, but didn't prevent her from singing her established solo parts as well as contributing a deep bass beat that set the Bellas apart from all previous all-female groups?
Wasn't it just the darndest thing that Bumper got that call from John Mayer close enough to ICCAs that the Trebles panicked, but far enough away from performance day that the group could perfect an arrangement featuring Jesse and Benji, who had never sung with the group before the week of the competition?
Okay. I'm sorry. I started writing this at 5:00 a.m. this morning and it probably sounds nuts. I did like the movie, I swear! To make up for being a grump, here's one of my favorite a capella performances ever, and may all you Pitch Perfect superfans forgive me:
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