Men of Tinder.

In a particularly man-hating mood, I thought it might be a fun indulgence to download Tinder and swipe left for (i.e. reject) every single person, reveling in my opportunity to turn guys down with absolutely zero consequences except the possibility that they might have wanted to message me but won't get the chance; so like I said, zero consequences. It was super fun! And then it was depressing, because men of Tinder: you are all the same, and you're all pretty lame.

Here are some sure-fire ways to make sure I never even bother to look through the rest of your pictures or read your Twitter-length profile, all based on actual profile pictures I encountered in the very brief period of time before amusement turned to horror:

• Be shirtless.
• Be shirtless by the pool.
• Be shirtless in bed.
• Be half-shirtless, i.e. wearing a shirt but lifting it up to show your abs.
• Be naked on a sailboat, facing out towards the water, butt towards the camera.
• Be naked sitting on the toilet, because what?!
• Hold a cup of beer.
• Hold a can of beer.
• Be surrounded by a bunch of empty cans of beer.
• Wear a stupid hat that's supposed to be ironic.
• Wear a stupid hat that isn't supposed to be ironic (I really hate hats).
• Have super-short hair -- just a personal preference.
• Conversely, have your hair covering most of your face, because then I'm just suspicious.
• Button all the buttons on your polo shirt.
• Have your hoodie unzipped with no shirt underneath.
• Smoke a cigarette while looking away disinterestedly even though it's obviously a selfie.
• Smoke anything.
• Have your arm around a girl; come on, this is basic.
• Take a mirror selfie with your phone visible in the frame. It's not 2012 anymore.
• Take a selfie on the toilet. Seriously, why the toilet?
• Be named Djonathan because I can't take that seriously, even if it's not your fault.
• Look like the Hulk, because I couldn't care less about how much you can lift, but I'm sure you'd tell me anyway.
• Use a group picture, because I don't want to click through for more pictures and discover you're not the member of the group I hoped you were.

Long story short, I uninstalled Tinder.